Who knows? My wife, ALL her family, some of my family, the bishopric, and my best friend.
I'd like to be able to say I made mistakes, which technically is true, but I don't think that word really covers it. A mistake is deciding to become a lawyer even though you love medicine or getting a mortgage on a home in 2006.
Mistakes involve some element of innocence in the decision making process. I plain did wrong, on numerous occasions, and I knew it. There was a time last year when I was just being a bad, selfish person, who knowingly did bad, even here I don't want to say what they were( I didn't commit a crime).
I lost my job because of it, shortly after everyone there knew about it, and then everyone where we lived. I left the home a week later, moved to a city so far away it's almost another country.
The shame, when you walk past someone on the street, and they know something about you that's deeply personal, that is horrifically embarrassing. In your head when you see them, you know they're thinking "that's him, he's the guy who did THAT". They're judging you, looking down on you, and disgusted by you all at the same time. You imagine they tell their kids to keep away you're so tainted.
The shame, when you know others know, you feel naked, wanting nothing else but to shrink up and disappear. To have never been.
Shame that is so overwhelming it makes you sweat from the fear that people might somehow, magically figure out or discover what happened.
Even now, over a year later. After everything came to light, after losing my job, family and home, after (voluntarily) going to the bishop, after the disciplinary counsel, and I've not made any serious mistakes since, but the shame remains.
The disciplinary counsel was hard, I mean really really hard. Going into the details of what happened in front the bishop and three, maybe four others. Sitting there laying things out for them my face was hot and red from embarrassment, and then tears. Waiting outside for them to decide what to do, and the result being excommunication.
I have flashbacks of this and other moments like this. One time I was standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes, when these events started replaying in my mind. Next thing I realized was I'd been standing there for 50 minutes, the water was now cold and I had a headache.
My feeling at this point is even with repentance I'll never lose the shame, if in five or ten years time someone asks why I separated from my wife, I'll have to lie. And if my wife ever wants to be with me again, and people find out then how embarrassed is she going to be?
I've read the miracle of forgiveness; a difficult book to read, emotionally. If I were to be re-baptised, from my understanding of what Spencer W. Kimball said, yes I could go to the temple, yes I could have the priesthood, but even living a righteous life the callings I could serve would be limited.
Maybe, if I live a righteous life, and complete the repentance process I can be forgiven, if not by myself, my wife or her family, then at least by Christ. Even then, the shame will remain.
Don't let this post get you down, read the follow on "hope".
I am sure you can be forgiven. You seem to have remorse in your writings. Just be diligent and all these sins can be washed away. Don't give up brother.
ReplyDeleteThere is another book which I think you might find helpful along with (or more than?)"The Miracle of Forgiveness." It is called "Believing Christ" by Stephen E. Robinson. It is available through Deseret Book and it is an excellent source for dealing with the feelings of shame and remorse that you are experiencing and then helping you to progress positively towards repentance. It focuses on helping you to more fully comprehend and make use of Christ's atonement. I recommend it highly.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the recommendation, I'll try to give it a read.
DeleteHere is a quote from Boyd K. Packer that I hope helps you in your times of guilt and despair.
ReplyDelete"One or two of you may be thinking, “I am already guilty of this or that serious mistake. It is too late for me.” It is never too late. You have been taught at home and in seminary about the Atonement of Jesus Christ. The Atonement is like an eraser. It can wipe away guilt and the effect of whatever it is that is causing you to feel guilty. Guilt is spiritual pain. Do not suffer from chronic pain. Get rid of it. Be done with it. Repent and, if necessary, repent again and again and again and again until you—not the enemy—are in charge of you." (Boyd K. Packer, "How to Survive in Enemy Territory," Ensign October 2012, 30)
Hi Michael, thanks for the comment. Just to point out, there is a difference between guilt and shame, they're not the same thing although I think one tends to feed off the other.
DeleteI'll be doing another post about the guilt later.
Dude. Mormonism/Religion is really really unhealthy for you and you need to take a deep breath and get some space. You are a Son of God. He loves you. Whatever you have done is nothing compared with the sins of the world.
ReplyDeleteYou need to let go. Some people can do this through meditating on the Atonement and believing Christ paid for their sin. Some people find other paths.
Arnold Schwarzenegger recently was beat up on national television by Leslie Stahl in an interview about lying to his wife and fathering a child with the maid. She was relentless in beating him with the club, asking him how he could lie to his wife so boldly and brazenly while the maid he was banging was still in the house everyday interacting with his ignorant wife.
He looked at her and admitted he did a bad thing. There was no excuse. But then he said something really profound. He asked her how many people she knew that had been at the very top of three professions in their life. He had been the worlds best bodybuilder, the top grossing action actor, and then the Gov of California. He looked at Leslie Stahl and said, you cannot achieve greatness if you dwell on your weakness. You have to recognize your mistakes and try to stop making them and be better. But you move on and don't beat yourself up and go on to further greatness. That is what he intended to do now. He screw up that situation and it cost him his marriage. He shouldn't have done it. But he cannot change it now. So he will not do that to his next relationship. But he is going to go out and find another relationship and climb his next mountain and be great. Because Arnold Schwarzenegger is great. Because he has decided to be great. And part of being great is not beating up yourself long when you make mistakes. And we all make mistakes.
So my point is, choose to be great. You can't change the past, so stop worrying about it. Don't beat yourself up about it. Don't do the bad thing you did again. That is simple. Forget the rest and move on. To greatness.
If you can't do that looking at the world through a Mormon lens, get another lens. God wants you to be happy. He wants you to succeed. He wants you to be great. He wants these things for you more than he wants you to be submissive to a group of businessmen and lawyers who make up your local high counsel. If they are helping you, great, stick with them. If interacting with the church makes you feel like crap and constantly reminds you of what a screw-up you are, then make some space. At least for a time.
Good luck. Go be great.
What Adam Ford said!
DeleteIf you believe in Jesus Christ, you don't need to go through the shaming process. You were already forgiven when Jesus went on the cross. Ditch Mormonism and find a good local Christian Church. Our pastor teaches, "No perfect people are welcome." It's no big deal at all if one recognizes that he/she has weakness. Romans 3 teaches, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Understand that no matter what you do, you can never be good enough, but if you accept Jesus as your Savior, it IS enough. Read Ephesians chapter 2-- we are saved by GRACE, and not by works. God bless.
ReplyDeleteSure, if your religion requires you to do something hard, just change it.
DeleteYou do not have to accept shame from anyone. You are human and you made mistakes---well so has EVERYONE--including all these sanctimonious people calling you to repentance.
ReplyDeleteNo one has the right to quantify your worthiness. As a human being you are worthy of divine love and salvation in this very moment, no matter what you've done.
While you are out right now, open your heart and mind to other ideas of life, salvation and the universe. Make sure you want to go back to a judgmental and condemnimg paradigm. Have a cup of coffee and savor some wine and then decide if God's point of view is as narrow, harsh and judgmental as those who would force you from the fold.
Namasté