Guilt

When you mess up, if it's not something big then the consequences are pretty simple to see and hurt is generally localized. If you broke your brothers bike, you know the wrong (bike broken) and who it affects (your brother) and sometimes maybe things can be put right or fixed (new bike perhaps).

When you mess up big, there are consequences far beyond what you may ever have thought, and more people than you would realize get hurt in ways you had never imagined. One of the sad parts is you only see all this after it happens, and had you known the extent of the damage to be done, you probably wouldn't have made the same choice.

Some things once done can't be fixed, you can't mend them, replace them or make up for them.

You can't take them back or undo them, no matter how hard you wish you could. In the heat of the moment when things are happening, when you're doing wrong, you ignore the consequences.

You don't think about what damage it will do to you, your friends, family or anyone it involves. But later you will, if you have a conscience, the guilt will come flooding in.

After you're baptised and confirmed, the holy ghost will be your constant companion, providing of course you're righteous. The moment you sin is the moment you lose that companionship. But don't worry, if what you have done is especially bad you get a new buddy, a new companion. He'll stay with you every waking moment and even in your sleep. Every time your mind is empty, every time something isn't taking all your concentration, in your dreams, your new pal is going to be there probably in ways the holy ghost never was. Say hello to your new companion; Guilt!

Firstly if you've done something wrong, and are feeling guilt as a result, congratulations on not being a psychopath. Guilt is a way for you to know that you HAVE done wrong, and separate from the consequences feel bad. In this sense guilt is good, in the same way pain is good. Without pain how do you know if something in your body is broken?

For me it had taken about 2 weeks for the guilt to come. Prior to that I was mostly in shock and had so much to deal with I didn't get the chance to think. But come it did. 

After moving I suddenly had an overabundance of free time, with very little to occupy it (and even less money). Events were replaying in my head over and over again. Slowly it began to dawn on me the full extent of my actions.

I was overcome by that sickening feeling, I couldn't get to sleep, at times I wouldn't sleep for days, and then when I finally nodded off I wouldn't get up for days. At times late in the night or early in the morning I'd wake and sob like a little child, with my arms wrapped around my sides.

The names of those you've hurt float through your mind, and you try to imagine the pain you've put them in, which only makes the sickening feeling grow.

At times it gets so intense your blood pressure rises as you try to hold it in, only to bring on migraines or nose-bleeds. You are filled with an unmeasurable sense of loss; and it's (usually) all your fault.

About a month after moving is when I was excommunicated, and then about a month after that was Christmas, so I went to the country and stayed on my mothers farm...for about a month. A little after Christmas she went off on a short holiday and for a solid week I was alone, with nothing to do but look after some animals (no phone, internet or neighbours, the place is pretty remote). Let me tell you that week was one of the loneliest, most guilt ridden weeks of my life and is not something I would like to repeat.

During this time I had been praying and reading the scriptures a lot, and I had a lot rolling around my head. Once thing the bishop had said was I needed to experience godly sorrow. Well there isn't too much written about that but I spent a lot of time thinking about it, spent a lot of time thinking about the atonement.

The last big package of guilt to hit you, especially if you've done something serious is when you realize Christs part in all this. I think it was one or two days before new year when it hit me.

I was thinking about the emotional hardship that I was going through, that this was a part of the price I had to pay if I was to repent.  I then realized, this is only a tiny fraction of the price to be paid for this sin, and that as long as I repented I would not have to pay in full. But someone does or more accurately someone already has.

At that moment I understood; Christ already paid in full for my sin(s). He already suffered the full amount, remember; I was excommunicated so what I'd done wasn't something small.

Because of my actions, my choices, my selfish decisions I have caused Christ to suffer unimaginable pain. He, the most innocent, most good to have ever been a man, of his own free will, has taken what is rightfully my place in the share of justice to be given out. That by my hand put such pain on him, I might as well have been there whipping him myself as he made his way to Calvary.

Try to comprehend the kind of guilt that accompanies the realization that you're responsible for the suffering that Christ went through. How unworthy you feel. Causing the son of god to bleed at every pore.

That was my lowest point.